Love Me When I'm Gone
by onewritinggirl
Summary: It was meant as a gag gift, who could have known that it would come to serve such a bigger purpose. Though try as it might, this is one void that cannot be filled.


**So it's been what, a couple months since I've posted anything? **

**This is me attempting to break my writer's block. Let me know what you think.**

**(Italics are flashbacks, obviously.)**

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"_What the hell is this?" She comes out of the bedroom with the offending object in her hand._

"_I found that while I was running around today, isn't it great?"_

"_It's something alright, why did you get it?"_

"_Come on Kate, it's so us." He takes the pillow from her hands and turns around so she can get a clear view of the lettering: Always._

"_You have to admit," he continues. "It's kinda cute."_

"_And by cute, you mean cheesy."_

"_No, I mean cute; Happy Valentine's Day." He hands it back to her as she arches one perfectly manicured eyebrow at him._

"_And no, it's not your only gift, relax, this is just a little gag gift."_

"_Good," she says as she beams up at him, her eyes lighting up with the smile. "Now what did you really get me?"_

She never thought anything of that damn pillow when he first got it. Every so often one of them would snag it from its resting spot on the chair next to their bed, to use for extra support while reading. Slowly but surely it gained a permanent fixture among the mountain of pillows that Castle requires to make up the bed.

Now she sleeps with it every night in place of her own pillow, has done so for the past three months. Ever since the call had come in on that cold January morning, just days after the anniversary of her mother's death; he wasn't even supposed to have been there that long.

"_I'm so sorry Mrs. Castle, I truly am. But I can assure you, no one is giving up here. Not until him and the team are found." The 'dead or alive' doesn't need to be said, it hangs over the line between them._

Missing in action.

Him, along with seven members of the squad were reported missing after a surprise air strike from enemy combatants.

That was three months ago, she hadn't heard anything since.

The news reports were no help either, most of them redundant in the information that they had, until the tips stopped coming in and the reports died out altogether.

"_I just want to put myself in Rook's shoes. Put a little more credibility into the next book. You see, I have him going to this…"_

"_Castle, it's too dangerous." She refused adamantly._

"_I've done my research Kate; they've been an inactive site for a year now, nothing more than just patrolling the city with some of the boys in uniform. I promise."_

She knew she should have stood her ground, forced the issue more. Instead, she gave in, helped him pack, then saw him off at the airport with a kiss that was little too passionate to be considered decent in public.

She reaches up to wipe the tears off her cheeks and realizes it's a lost cause before dropping her arm back around the pillow. She should get up and eat, can't even remember the last time she had a full meal. If he was here he would gripe at her, remind her that it isn't just her she needs to worry about anymore. She runs a hand down her abdomen feeling the small protrusion just below her ribs.

Martha had been the one to notice it first, just a couple weeks ago as Kate had been reaching for a mug on the top shelf.

"_Oh darling," she drawled, startling Kate enough to where she almost dropped the mug. She spun around to meet the actress' gaze only to notice her walking around the island and reaching for her. Nothing was said as she pulled her over to the closest mirror and raised her shirt up._

_Kate was still puzzled as to what was going on, until Martha spoke._

"_You're showing Katherine."_

_Dumbstruck, she turned to look in the mirror and started tearing up almost instantly. _

"_This is nothing to be sad about dear, this should be a joyous moment."_

"_He should be here for this." Kate sobbed as the older woman pulled her into a motherly embrace._

She still can hardly believe it, the tears begin falling more steadily now and she's trying to stop the sobs that are threatening to rack her body when she hears the front door open. Figuring it's just Martha returning from some soiree or Alexis escaping from life at the dorm, she doesn't bother getting up. She hears the bedroom door open, Alexis always knocks so she knows it must be his mother, and answers what she assumes will be the woman's first question.

"I'm not hungry Martha, thank you though."

When she doesn't get a response she rolls over to face her and her breath catches at what she sees.

"Oh my god," she releases on a breath as she pushes herself into a sitting position. "I'm hallucinating,"

"You're not Kate, you're not." He says as he crosses the threshold of the room. "I'm home." His voice cracks on the last word which forces her up onto her knees to meet him as he makes it to the edge of the bed. She raises a hand to trace the contours of his face, still not believing he's real, when he stops short, catching sight of her stomach for the first time.

"No wonder you're not hungry Kate, I don't know how you could fit anything else in there." He jokes as he places a hand against her stomach.

"Rick," she half laughs, half sobs as she launches herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck while his snake around her waist.

She's unsure how long they stay in the embrace just breathing one another in before he lifts her off the bed, forcing her to lock her legs around his waist as she pulls back to look at him. She goes to wipe the tears off her cheeks but he beats her to it, erasing the tracks with his thumbs before following them him with his lips.

"I don't care how necessary the research is, you're never leaving again."

"Never." He agrees. "I'm so sorry Kate, I should've…"

"Shh, not now."

He nods and moves to sit on the bed with her curled up on his lap. She raises her hand to rest on top of his on her stomach while she buries her face in his neck.

"How far along?"

"Four months."

"I should've been here."

"There's nothing you can do to fix it babe, you're here now and that's what matters." She tries to put his mind at ease, even though she almost as distraught as he is about the time that they've lost.

"God I've missed you so much."

"We've missed you too."

"We're gonna have a baby." He sounds astonished, and she swears she's never seen anything as beautiful as his smile. She's so glad that she gets a chance to see it again.

He pulls her in for a long kiss before bending to place a kiss to her abdomen, which causes her to tear up again.

"Hey, it's alright, I'm here, I'm here Kate." He promises as he moves to lay her down on the bed.

"I know, it's the damn hormones." He chuckles and moves to kiss her again as she wraps her legs around his waist.

"Kate, are you sure you're…"

"It's fine Rick, it's the first thing I asked the doctor."

"You asked the doctor, but how did you even know that I?" He trails off, not wanting to voice his thoughts.

"Because I knew you'd come back to us."

He starts crying at that, even though he denies it later. He never thought he'd get the chance to kiss her, love her, or let alone see her again.

"I love you so much Kate."

"I love you too."

It's not until afterwards, when they're lying sated in each other's arms that he brings it up.

"Is it too soon to tease you about the pillow?"

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**I actually did like this story...until I got to the ending and I just couldn't find a good place to end it.**

**Thanks for reading anyway loves.**

**- AnnaLee**


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